bunhead for life

20. gemini.

Month: February, 2013

When jeaolusy triumphs

I get jealous easily. I even got jealous when b and her are sitting so close together. Why did I even get jealous at the first place? I don’t even know. Maybe I just need someone who cares for me, who loves me, who will always be there for me. I shouldn’t even get jealous of her. 

Deep down inside my heart, a part of me still hopes that sw will do something to save the bygones. Reality tells me that he’s living a great life now and he doesn’t even need to get a girlfriend. But I have no idea why I’m still holding on to that little hope, having great faith that one day we might get together. 

I have faith in God. I know that He’ll send me the best angel to me. 

미치게 보고 싶은 사람

b always look at me, search for me. Even in public. 

But I don’t want this. No, instead I should say, I don’t want him. I want sw back. I truly want sw. Another point is, I’m just too afraid that I might fall for b. I discovered all his flaws in these few weeks. I never liked them. But this case differ when it comes to B. Although I saw his flaws, but still I accept them willingly. This is just very weird. 

I want him, my crush. He’s perfect, despite his flaws shine through his tan skin and bright smile. This whole “I’m-never-gonna-let-you-go” thing is actually drowning me. I fell in and out of love with him several times. Still, that feeling of wanting him standing beside you sort of haunts me endlessly. It went away, but then it came back again.

I hope he still remembers me, my love. 

Me a tiger

I realized that I am so uncomfortable around b. I shouldn’t be like this, I need to lay back, sit down and chill. Talk. Talk. Talk to him. I mean like, what’s so scary about him. He’s not gonna do anything right? Just talk to him like how I talk to B. I cannot be shy. And why do I even need to care about what he thinks? 

“A tiger doesn’t lose sleep over a sheep’s opinions.” 

Thus, there’s no need to think too much. And I’m a tiger this time. 

Not anymore

The more I try not to care about sw, the more he appears in my mind. He is, by far the best guy I’ve ever loved. I can hate him, and love him at the same time. Somehow I want to bask in the rays of pain as long as possible. Maybe I just think that I’ll never meet or love someone as good as him.

They said it’s the best to move on. Do not stuck at the same page.  But I want to stay here forever. I’m afraid that I might not love that hard again. Fall that deep again. Anymore.

“If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.”

“Let go, and let God.”

Hello and goodbye

I just got to know the “new sides” of b. After all, I found out that he is so not my type. What I love, I cannot see any single thing in him but in another guy, B. B is tall, slightly buff, funny, very cute, although not as good looking as b but still quite okay. The thing is, I don’t really care about looks. 

I sort of gave up trying out with b. I’m off to another target now. Bye, b, Thanks for everything you’ve done. We can only remain as friends, Thank you and I love you(as a friend).

Better me

Yesterday might be the best night ever in 2013. Made so many new friends at Vin’s open house and they’re really really fun. Funny, cute, fun. And of course, I laughed A LOT. It’s been quite some time since I last laughed so much.

You know what, I don’t really care about him anymore. Just get lost man, dude. I hate him. If he still thinks that I like him, well I can’t do anything but to just pray for him that he can really get over the fact that I liked him before. 

Anyway, I texted with b till midnight yesterday. I don’t know why but I feel weird when he said Ade is pretty. I told him quite many things about what I encountered last night. The games, the people I met, how much fun I had. Oh, and he said that he’ll stay single until he finds a life partner. I wasn’t sure how to react or what to feel about this. I was relieved but at the same time I felt sad, mostly sad. 

I will try my best not to push people away. I will work harder for my studies. I want to be a better person. I want to be like Vin, she’s so fun and she’s never too shy to be around guys.  And I want to be comfortable around guys. Just so you know, I was very comfortable around Vin’s college friends, James, Hui Li, Derrick, Ralan and Qi Hong. 

 

 

Not your average friday

It’s 1619 now. Heading back to Penang with my parents, as usual(been doing this for 18 years and will keep doing this until I get married). I’m in the car chilling while folding up both my legs as I am typing this. My dad is driving while my mum’s fascinated by her new Samsung galaxy note2. She just loves to brag about what her phone can do more than mine. Well, I don’t really care because I love my iphone more than anything else in this world. I wouldn’t want to change a new phone because this phone has sort of became part of me and it is now my extended personality. I write everything I feel in there. I have my instagram, twitter, tumblr, LINE, whatsapp, facebook and wechat in there. I have tons of photos and music and videos saved inside this little baby.

At this time, it is one of my favourite moments all year round. I wish time would stop right at this moment, at this minute this second. No tears, just joy. No anger, just happiness. No disappointments, just anticipation. Perfect timing to allow time to stop. I want to stay in this car forever.

Nothing much happened today. Ms. Charmaine, our biology lecturer showed us an hour long video. And of course it is related to Biology. It’s about this man who is too brave and probably someone paid him an extra million dollar just so that he would take on this so called “Super Size Me” Challenge. Basically what he had to do was to consume 3 meals of mcdonald’s every single day. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  He did all these just to show us that FAST FOOD AIN’T HEALTHY. You probably might think that, “Yeah yeah, whatever. Fast food ain’t good, who doesn’t know that.” But the truth is, no one knows how much danger it can cause to our body. Well, I probably wouldn’t eat Mcdonald’s as often as how I did in the past anymore because it’s THAT intimidating, the effect.

CF meeting was FUN! Mr.Yoshua shared about patronizing and other stuff which I think is quite inspiring. I will be a better person. I want to be young. And young people always learn. This is vital in our lives, never stop learning and never be too proud to learn from other people. Oh, and of course I took photos with a and b, and it made me super duper happy. Too bad didn’t get the chance to take photos with B, but at least we walked out the college together and we got to talk to each other. He’s a nice guy who can keep the conversation going on. 

Let God

CNY is getting nearer and nearer day by day. Just when I thought I can finally take a break from school(exams, quizzes, assignments and homework!), here comes the once-a-year-festive-season which I look forward to the most, Chinese New Year. It’s exhausting, you know. But it’s fun meeting all the relatives and cousins and wiping out all the biscuits and crackers until you can feel a sore throat coming.

Today it stressed me out too much. Physics test, chemistry presentation and maths test. Yup, you got it right, all in ONE day. This has certainly led me to some mental distress or whatever you call it. Right now I don’t feel like doing anything but to sit on my twirl-able cushioned chair while blogging.

I feel like, I’m not ready to love someone right now. I literally need to clear everything that is not important out of my head. Those endless thoughts bothers me too much because it literally takes up most of the space in my mind.

Oh, and I don’t want to feel restrained anymore. I mean like, I feel restrained because of him and I want to be the real me in front of him. I definitely do not need to worry about creating and keeping my image good and clean in front of him. I mean, I want him to know the real me. And I have many sides, like the CRAZY & HYPER side, the innocent side, the picky side, the stupid side and many more.

I feel very comfortable around Br. Which is quite good, maybe we would end up being best friends or even more than that. Who knows? Let go and let God. I’m not gonna worry about the 2Bs anymore. Just gonna be me in front of them, and I am very sure that God will certainly make a right way for me and my future.

Big Ben

I wonder how and why this has happened. I was doing my chemistry report while listening to music and out of a sudden I saw his name. yeah, I’m listening to Jay Chou’s song, Big Ben. 

I get jealous easily. But at the same time I don’t want to be jealous over my closest friend in college. He texts her more than he texts me. He tells her jokes but not to me. See? this is why i got jealous. And meanwhile, I’m fighting so hard with myself not to fall for him. Now. 

I’ve gotta chill. You don’t want to get yourself hurt again and look so pathetic all over again, right? Please don’t fall. And I’m telling you this, you don’t wanna go through another heartbreak and end up like some pathetic young girls or women who can’t live without their crush or boyfriends.

I need some break, from my thoughts. It’s killing me, 

stomach-brain probs

I tend to zoom in 100x into other people’s flaws. This is so not right. I do that to myself too, That is why I feel so insecure about myself.

I don’t know why, I was extremely hungry right before dinner just now until I feel air rolling in my intestines. Then I reached out to my food and swallowed it without really chewing the food. Too hungry. And then out of a sudden I thought of B eating. My stomach sort of immediately stopped accepting food and I didn’t feel like eating anymore. This happened last year when I had a crush on the stupid guy. And I always don’t have the appetite to eat whenever I see someone I’m attracted to.

I guess why my stomach reacted that way is because I think I look ugly when I eat. It just seems like I don’t want anyone to know my flaws. I don’t want them to see the ugly me. Or the picky me, It’s saddening to think that no one is perfect.