bunhead for life

20. gemini.

Month: March, 2013

xx L O V E xx

I find myself extremely contradicting. Last second, I don’t want him. The next second, I want him to like me. What the hell is wrong with me. 

I guess I’m just too lonely. I fell too hard, was in way too deep. I was badly hurt, by love. 

games

Oh yeah, b? Trying to play games with me? Reverse psychology? Please. I’m better than you. I’m never gonna fall for it. I fight off my demons everyday, so I’m gonna do the same thing to the urge of wanting to fall for someone. 

I will never let you win. You beware, b. You’ll lose the game to me. 

A boyfriend maybe, God?

Had a great lunch with my fellow classmates just now. It was fun, talking and playing games and eating with them. Love everyone of them till death. I don’t ever want to graduate. We met B’s “best” friend too, Nat. She’s very friendly, very cute. I can see that B likes her. I’m truly happy for him. On the other hand, I called KY during lunch just now and she told me that she already has a bf. I’m very happy for her too. 

At this moment, I want a bf too. I’m done feeling so empty. I don’t really want to build up and keep my walls so high but this is for the better. I want someone to truly care about me. Someone who will always be there for me. Lend me a shoulder when I need to cry or when I’m tired. Send me good night and good morning texts everyday. Give me backhugs. Carry me when I’m tired of walking. Tell me secrets. Share my deepest darkest secrets with him. Give me forehead kisses and endlessly kisses my cheeks and lips. Yeah, I want those. Now.

At this moment, I’m supposed to sleep now. I have physics test tomorrow, chem and maths test on the day after tomorrow. I’m afraid, afraid that I might fail my paper again. Semester exam is just next week. No more procrastination please. No more delaying stuff. It’s time to wake up and realize how much I have to pick up in order to go with the flow of the class. Since 99%of my class are smart people, I should really buck up. 

I have to face my fear, and I know that Jesus is always there to help me through my toughest times. I’m thankful that He is there for me. I’m glad that He arranges everything for me. 

I should be sleeping now. But I just can’t go to sleep. I can’t. How about some late night snacks? Or maybe some instant noodles? Yeah, I think I should cook myself a plate of instant noodles just to kill my boredom and make myself more tired so that I can sleep. Nights. 

Motherly love

I was listening to Cornerstone and out of a sudden my phone rang. It was Chris’s mum. She told me so many things that I really need to listen. This is purely just ONE single phase of our lives. There are so many challenges ahead. Don’t get discouraged by the results. Furthermore, SPM results doesn’t determine your career or your future. Getting good results doesn’t mean that you’re gonna be successful in the future. 

From her trembled voice, I can vaguely hear that she’s sad by seeing her daughter like this. She even cried on the phone. I can see that she love Chris a lot.

Pathetic little kid. Yeah, that’s me,

Just got back my results from my high school. 7As and 3Bs. 

NUFF SAID. DISAPPOINTED. SAD. SUCH A DISGRACE TO MY FAMILY. 

I couldn’t hold back my tears. I burst out crying like water running out from a tap. Even Jamie’s mum came and hug me. I looked pathetic, didn’t I? 

 

Death sentence. Let’s hope not.

Today, March 21st, is the day where all of the 95s go back to their high school to get back their so called “long awaited” SPM results. Time dashes by way too fast, even faster than a blink of eye. Right now, 0924hours, my adrenaline sort of pumps very quickly, fills up my body. My palm (as usual) sweats endlessly. My feet too. I am very very nervous right now. I can’t seem to think about anything or visualize what’ll happen later. I am THAT nervous. Therefore, to calm myself down and increase my faith in God I’m listening to Mighty to Save and Hosanna right now. 

Dear Father Lord, I don’t want to disappoint my parents anymore. I don’t want to feel shitty about myself. Father Lord, I want to help my parents, especially my mum. She gives all her hopes to me. She invests so much on me. I don’t want to let her down. I want make her proud. And also all my tuition teachers proud. Father Lord, I pray to that I can get 10A+ and I promise to read the bible and glorify Your name. “We live by faith, not by sight, for You. ” In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen. 

Don’t ever want to be friendzoned

I think one of the most obvious reasons I still hold onto sw is because I’m afraid that I might fall for B. It’s true. B has all the things I ever wanted. But too bad he has a gf. Too bad. Seriously too bad.

I need to fight that will or urge to fall for him. Fight. And fight. And fight.

Until I stop feeling that I have the tendency to fall for him. 

Until I feel sw’s love again.  

The day

This is the day where I am 100% sure that I want to leave Malaysia, leave my family and just go to another place where no one knows me at all. I want to restart everything. My life, my mind and my soul. 

Asian parents are like this. They scold you till an extreme where they can slap you any second. I was too lucky to escape from that palm-to-face thing. I feel like crying, but I just don’t know why I want to cry. I am neither sad nor disappointed at myself. It was more like a small crackling fire at first and then slowly it turned to a gigantic volcano where the Japanese can actually boil their eggs at the hot springs near by. 

For the first time ever, the first thought that popped out of my mind was – to leave this place, and not a suicide thought. Previously, killing myself has always been the first thing to appear in my mind whenever something huge happens. This time, it’s different. Okay so, in order to leave this place, I need to plan what I need. 

Things that I need – to leave M’sia : 

Air ticket, A huge luggage bag with 360 degrees roller( since I’m clumsy with stuffs), passport, clothes, wallet, money(A LOTTTT), water bottle, clothes including lingerie, my phone, earphones, some story books, maps, my laptop, and at least a degree certificate from uni. 

I want to go somewhere else like Europe, maybe? Or London. Or New York. The urge to leave my house now is boiling, and it’s telling me that “Hey, if you don’t leave this place, there’ll be more saddening incidents to come.” I long for the day where I can breathe normally again. I’ll stay quiet forever whenever I’m back home. I shall zip my mouth and probably add some super glue to my lips to ensure it’s entirely closed. 

I have to stop crying. I feel the urge to cut myself. But I know that I can’t do it. 

I feel like giving up already. My parents, love me too much but they’re suffocating me. My dad, doesn’t even deserve to be my dad. Age doesn’t represent maturity. I am, obviously more mature than he is.