bunhead for life

20. gemini.

Month: June, 2013

I feel so bad about myself. I’m about

I feel so bad about myself. I’m about to have my semester test next week and I still can’t do most pf the questions without looking at my textbook. What the hell is happening to me. Where is the smart me? I really need your help father Lord. Grant me the strength to overcome the stupidity in me, the devil and demon in me. 

ugly duckling

The moment when you suddenly saw someone who you found extremely good looking last time. I don’t know but I want to become prettier and prettier. Than ever. 

He thought I was ugly. I was, I admit. I am still, but with God’s help, I’m definitely gonna be better than ever. I’m gonna be a good person, right God? 

stop crying

I cry so easily. I just cried again. When I’m about to cry, I always feel my throat being tighten, overwhelmed with words that I want to spit out. But i just can’t speak a word. I can’t defend myself. 

I guess it’s an emotional reaction to feeling trapped, stifled and not understood. 

suck it up, dude.

Today, something remarkable/significant just happened. I just cried, so did my mum. If my mum ever cries, there is a chance of 95% something horrible happened. 

As usual I was taking my nap and I planned to wake up at 1730 to study and do some house chores. It was 1716 my mum came back from work and she walked in hopping mad. She then banged in my bedroom swiftly after 3 seconds. She started breaking down, crying, bursting into tears, boohoo-ing and at the same time she roared loudly claiming that I DO NOT RESPECT HER. She thinks that she treats me heavenly nice but I treat her like shit left on the ground dried for days. Woah woah woah, mum, wait a second. You? treat me nicely? excuse me? 

Yes, I have to admit that she treats me nicely sometimes but she ain’t allowing me go out yo. She doesn’t even think that I’m a human being who has a brain that knows how to think/feel. I’m 18 years old. I have high school friends and college friends. AND I’M THE ONLY F*CKING DAUGHTER WHO HAS NO ONE TO TALK TO IN THIS HOUSE. I’M A HUMAN BEING, NOT A F*CKING ANIMAL WHO NEEDS TO OBEY WHAT YOU SAY ALL THE TIME. You ain’t not know a shit about me, mum. Do you know my favourite colour? No. Do you know what’s on my mind? No.  Moving on, you think that you treat me and dad nicely 24/7? Even when you shade us or telling us all the negative vibes or the things that we can’t do in our face? That’s not nice. I call that bullshit. As a wife or a mother, instead of being negative towards a problem, please be positive and optimistic and have faith in your family members. One does not simply say that your own daughter’s gonna be a trash collector or hair salon girl in the future. You’re just gonna pass down that stupid motherf*cking negative vibes to your biological daughter. 

I swear to God that I am never gonna be like my mum or my dad in the future. I’m never gonna treat my kids the way my mum treats me. 

I hate to talk to my mum cause whenever I speak a word, i get scolded. It felt like, you’re giving yourself a huge punch or slap in the face and then bruises and blood stains started to appear. Just like how I cry every time I didn’t get to go out. You have no idea how much courage I need to gain and how much fear I need to overcome in order to ask my mum if I can go out with my friends. Cause in the end, 100% of her answers are gonna just be a word, NO. That “NO” is like, sort of subconciously expected but I still keep my hopes up to get a “Yes” from her. 

“High expectation always leads to disappointments.”

Dying might be my only option

Cause I want to die.

I feel like dying. I don’t care if my parents would feel sad or maybe my dad wouldn’t at all, I still want to die. For the time being, I literally live for my friends. For me, there is not a single reason for me to live as a human being, except my friends. They are the ones who keep me alive. 

Cause I want to die. 

No pain, no feelings, no nothing at all. Life’s great when you aren’t living, because you ain’t even living anymore, you’ll just sleep to the next decade, next century, next light year.

Cause I want to die.

Everything is my fault. every single thing. “you always like to find excuses for yourself!!!!!”

I’m in Team A, are you with me?

Looking at myself, I think of how ugly looking I am when compared to A. He’s such a heartthrob. And I’m like, an awkward ugly duckling who dreams of growing up into a swan.(still haven’t yet, when will puberty hit me at the right spot?) I feel sucky about myself. How normal looking I am, as a college student. I personally think I look too average and low class and ugly. When will I look better than now? A has the perfect features that I’ve ever wanted. No feelings for him, but he’s one dayum good looking filthy rich sizzling hot guy who can rock the beanie look(which every girl likes). 

Stressed out. Tired of thinking about the upcoming

Stressed out. Tired of thinking about the upcoming tests and exams and the total number of my classmates who were born smart. This is the right moment where all these things will linger my inner satan out and I’ll eventually tell myself that “I’m a total failure, who disappoints her parents all the time, and also disappoints herself every single time.” 

I want to get good results. So ciao. Would rather save some time to study physics. 

Turning legally 18 tomorrow. Just thinking of growing

Turning legally 18 tomorrow. Just thinking of growing up, getting older year by year, it freaks me out every single time. I’m terrified, I have no idea what I want to do nor who I want to be. I don’t know why but I’m blurred by what’s in front of me. As in, I don’t feel like doing homework or studying or helping my mum with house chores. I just wanna lay in my bed all day long. Escape myself to my dreamland. Out of reality and into imaginations and dreams.

Oh and I have to stop procrastinating. I gotta study a lot to catch up with what I’ve lost. I gotta wake up and do my work. God bless me with good grades and great personality.